We all encounter toxic individuals in our lives. It's inevitable; someone, somewhere in your circle of family, friends, and acquaintances is a toxic personality. They are an emotional black hole, a source of stress, tension, and bad vibes in your life.
If you're lucky, this person will be at the fringes of your periphery. Maybe a friend-of-a-friend, or an associate you rarely have to see. If you're less fortunate, this person might be close to you. A dear friend, perhaps, who's changed in the course of your friendship from someone who adds value to your life, to someone who creates chaos and storms.
To me, it's apparent, that sometimes it's a parent. Such is the case with my son's paternal grandmother. She's never been a role model for me; I suppose it should come as no surprise she's not a role model for my son either.
But how do you adequately explain the complexities of an adult relationship like this to a child? Who only knows that grandma loves him and wants to fill him with sweets and treats and let him do whatever he wants?
Don't misunderstand me; my son has a good grounding in reality. He understands that he is not at all entitled to everything he wants all the time. At home, he is generally well-behaved, and our discipline is reasonable, consistent, and clearly explained. So he doesn't expect the spoilage he receives at grandma's to occur all the time. That's not really the problem here.
The problem is that grandma's influence on the people around her is toxic. She is a hoarder, a control-freak, and can swing from sweet to viscous with very little warning or provocation. She's immature, narcissistic, and not a person I want my son to emulate in the slightest.
So, he and I had to have a talk. We talked about how you can love someone very deeply, but still not want to be around them. We discussed the importance of accepting constructive criticism from others, so that we can know if our behaviour is offensive or off-putting. We shared ideas on how we can make healthy choices for our bodies and our minds, and how important it is to surround ourselves with people who make us want to be better.
And we talked about how, sometimes you have to let people leave your life, when they've made it clear they cannot or will not behave in a manner consistent with your needs, expectations, and agreed upon ethics.
It's a conversation I wish I'd never had to have with him. But as teachable moments go, it was an incredible conversation. When he is grown, I hope (and will strive to ensure!) he will never have to have a similar conversation with his children. Because I intend to be the kind of person he would want his own kids to emulate.
